Why I Believe In Open Relationships

Twenty years ago, while facing the end of my marriage, I happened upon the late M.Scott Peck's book, The Road Less Traveled. In a footnote to a section about "The Myth of Romantic Love", he mentioned a book by a couple named O'Neil entitled Open Marriage, commenting,

My work with couples has led me to the stark conclusion that open marriage is the only kind of mature marriage that is healthy and not destructive to the spiritual health and growth of the individual partners.

I was certain he was wrong at the time, but not certain enough to dismiss the idea completely. I put it on a back burner of my mind.

For seven years after my marriage ended, I entered into a series of relationships with the best of hopes and intentions, collapsing my identity into each new "us" and then suffering great heartache whenever a relationship ended. I was convinced that if I were simply wonderful enough, the other person could not fail to reciprocate the contributions of devotion and attention I lavished upon her. Except that she actually could. This was a shocking revelation.

During this time, I picked up Peck's book again and much more of what he had to say about mature adult behavior began to sink in. In addition to other ineffective behaviors, collapsing my identity into each relationships created a mutually suffocating situation that was never sustainable. In becoming so interested in her, I was failing to be interesting. What she needed was a man who she could respect and admire more than a sensitive, doting devotee. As I reflected upon these facts, I knew that I deeply desired to love someone who I could respect and admire as well. My romantic relationships improved dramatically.

Around 2005, I was exposed to a worldview which taught that true happiness could never come from another person or, indeed, from any source outside of the self. For, if it came from outside, it could be diminished or taken away by something outside the self and was therefore not true happiness. I swear I heard a band of angels singing the "Hallelujah Chorus" when the full impact of that insight penetrated my mind. All of my life to that point, I had been waiting to find "the one" who would complete me and make me happy. And the joke was on me: I, myself, was that one. Not only could no one else do it for me, it was unfair and unrealistic to hope or demand that she could. The women in my former relationships hadn't left me at all. Instead, I had inadvertently pushed them away.

As I started to pull all of these insights together into a coherent framework for living, a number of unexpected implications arose. Since love is infinite and unlimited, it never makes any sense to say "I love you if ..." or "I love you as long as ..." Also, there is no because to love. If I love you, I love you because I love you. Having a rationale for your love would be like like calculating a mathematical formula for why you like your favorite color. It follows therefore that true, authentic love can never depend upon the behavior of the one who is beloved.

And, if you think about it, you have never changed for the better because someone has demanded it. You may have altered your behavior to assuage your own guilt or to avoid unpleasant confrontations. But real change only happens under the nourishing rays of openness and acceptance. When you realize that someone truly believes in you and trusts in his or her heart that you'll turn out just fine in the end, there are literally no lengths to which you will not go in order to to prove that person right.

And now for the part you were expecting me to address much earlier in this article: monogamy. Here's all you need to know about monogamy: jealousy is rooted in fear. Perfect love casts out all fear. Therefore, insisting on monogamy as a condition of love is a contradiction in terms.

That may be all you need to know, but I'll develop the idea a little further for the benefit of the uncynically curious among my readers. Consider that if you and I share true love:

• I can no more hurt you by having a romp with someone else that I could by eating broccoli or washing my car. The source of your happiness and completeness remains within you.
  
  
• Worrying about what your family, friends, neighbors, or co-workers will think of our situation may be an interesting concern, but it has nothing to do with the love that we share.
  
  
• Imagine the powerful bond of intimacy we could build if we would laugh at one another's weaknesses and trust that nothing in this world could threaten what was real between us.
  
  
• Prohibition has never been an effective behavior modification policy. It usually only serves to create a flourishing black market where people with perfectly normal human tendencies go in order to find what they are looking for and a bloated prison system with millions of lives wasted and prevented from reaching their full potential.
  
  
• Dr. Peck was right. Only adults treating other adults as adults get to escape the myth of romantic love and discover a life where interesting, whole people can share in each others' lives without suffocating one another.
  

Back Into The Fray

Earlier this week, I concluded the self-evaluation begun during my wilderness getaway. After taking everything into account, I decided to pursue returning to full-time work as a software engineer. I love the work and it pays well. There is still surprisingly strong demand in the market for my skills and it never hurts to make hay while the sun shines. (as my farmer relations used to say)

My other major option, raising capital and starting a small business, is still an important goal for me. A good portion of my getaway was invested in creating a specific business plan, including estimating startup costs, on-going cashflow, expansion plans, etc for the venture I had in mind. This was a valuable exercise and the plan I created may, one day, be the plan I pursue.

During my previous years of employment, I did a good job saving money in retirement plans and I feel like that part of my financial picture is in good shape. So beginning with my next job, I intend to divert my savings into a taxable investment account that will be dedicated toward helping to fund future business ventures and investment real estate purchases. I hear it works best to have a good chunk of your own money on the line when you present an opportunity to invest to others.

This decision (returning to employment) will likely mean another geographic relocation for me. If that turns out to be true, it will also likely mark the end of a short but incredible romance. Yet I feel the magnetic pull of my capacity for greatness in this world, and it is not a force that my spirit is inclined to resist. When you're in on the secret that love is not scarce, it is abundant - well, it doesn't make things easy, but it does make them possible.