Announcing My Name Change

On this day, January 13, 2014, the day before I achieve 46 years on the earth since my birth -- I discard all names previously given to me or taken by myself and I choose and embrace a new name, Mark Donohue Valor.

tldr; Because I can; because the new name pleases me.  All the world's a stage, and I have changed my stage name.

To the more interested:  One year ago, I journaled that, on the way to embracing Transcendentalism (the affirmation that everything is eternal spirit, with the physical world as a transient illusion), I discovered that Materialism (the affirmation that everything is physical, with the spiritual world as a transient illusion) was the underlying reality of the universe.  I've had 12 months to try out this mental 'suit of clothes'.  Each passing day since has served only to strengthen this conviction.  In the English summary of the ancient words of the Roman poet Lucretius: "There are atoms, and the void, and nothing else".  Far from bringing any sense of depression or despair, this understanding has opened up a new and exciting life of wonder, joy, and personal growth for me.  I wholeheartedly embrace it and already inject it into every expression of what I say, do, and create.  I am such a different person today than I have been in the preceding two decades that it would rather be a fraud NOT to express myself by changing my name.

Honestly, I never was a "Buddy", a "Bernard" or a "Bernie" in my own mind.  Loving, wonderful people hung these monikers on me to give me a good start in life.  Each of these names has served to identify a particular epoch of my life through the years as I worked through important transitions -- from the meek child, to the scrappy young man elbowing his place at life's table, to the hopeful seeker of profound meaning.  I freely confess that each of these past phases of my life has taken longer, far longer, than it has for some of my contemporaries.  Yet, at each transition, I wrung more and more traces of magical thinking from the fabric that is my life.

And further:  When I was young, my family used to travel to Indiana in a motor home to watch auto races.  The very first 'idol' I ever had in my life was a thrilling race car driver named Mark Donohue.  He dominated every racing circuit he drove in.  He fundamentally changed the rules of racing with his knowledge of physics and his willingness to tinker and experiment with the mechanics of his racing cars.  The title of his autobiography is "Unfair Advantage".  He died as he lived while practicing for the Austrian Grand Prix in 1975, immortalized at the top of his game like Bruce Lee, Jimi Hendrix, and Buddy Holly  To this day I am moved and inspired by his life.

If you insist on calling me by the name you knew when you first met me, I'm probably not going to knock myself out correcting you.  Those who matter most to me understand that this is just as big an event for me as someone else's christening or marriage.

Coming Out

In 2007, I happened to flip through a Nietzsche book at a bookstore. I couldn't put it down. He was bat-shit crazy about a number of things (for one, he was a huge bigot), but he was incredibly clear about many other things. One idea that struck me like lightning was his assertion that Christianity (and - any religion that promises an after-life) teaches people to disregard this life (which we know we do have) for the hope of another, future life (which we cannot know will occur). He did not mince words - stating that Christianity was "life-denying" etc.

I had already been cured (in my 20s) from my decade-long foray into Fundamentalism. But I carried (and to a lesser extent, still do carry) a sense of nostalgia, in a warm place in my heart for that "old-time religion". However, this Nietzsche philosophy hinted at a side of life one did not know and could never know if he or she held onto a hope of "heaven". He listed as virtues the things religion count as vices: ambition, the will to power, a healthy embrace of conflict, and an acceptance that when the world changes (example: Industrial Revolution), it is okay to throw away all of the former customs and ethics in order to embrace new, more suitable ones.

I just couldn't believe what I was reading. As in, I wondered how the censors of the world had somehow let this stuff slip through, unscathed. But it was clear, powerful, and had the ring of truth to it - "face the facts" kind of truth. There have been many other influences in my life for what I am about to say, it's just that he crystallized the important points most clearly.

Today, for the first time in my life, I say publicly and proudly, that I am an Atheist. I affirm that this life I have is the only life (that I know of) that I will ever have. When my heart stops beating and my brain stops firing the synapses that create the social persona of myself, there will be no more me. The foundation for my morals and ethics is the positive benefit I see to the world when I behave in certain ways and the positive feelings I experience when I follow that guide. I will probably still also claim the moniker of "Taoist" among people who have a hard time with my Atheism since the Tao Te Ching is non-theistic and its observations resonate with how I see the world. But even that is an inside joke with myself - since the very first verse of that book states: "The Tao that can be spoken of, is not the true Tao."

Weighing Separate Wisdom Paths: Business Choice 2010

It's springtime in the American economy - time to plant seeds of enterprise that may, with some luck and a good bit of determination and skill, bring forth a bountiful harvest as the recovery kicks into high gear over the next few years. And I've been reading and listening to a lot of great business educational material lately. I find that there are two broad categories of advice with regard to the choice of a business.

The first wisdom path is the "Do What You Love And The Money Will Come" school of thought. This line of reasoning dates back at least as far as Confucius (500 BCE) who was the first person we know of to write, "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." It is tempting to take this advice just to prove to myself (and to my slice of the world) whether or not it is really true. If, as Deepak Chopra writes, I choose the path that I would have chosen anyway (were I already rich), the path that most completely matches my gifts to the needs of the world, I would unhesitatingly choose to become an author and speaker in the field of personal development. (AKA "Motivational Speaker") I've got a great life story that already sounds like something you'd read in a movie script and it lights me up to pass on the wisdom that had made such a dramatic difference in my life. Any of my close friends could attest to the truth of these assertions.

I've recently gone far enough along this path to create stubs for chapters of a book that I think would be timely and relevant to America's current economic situation. It's entitled, "How To Thrive During The Recovery". It has specific, practical advice about how to take advantage of our developing economic upturn - whether the reader is interested in employment, business, real estate, or stock investing. I've also created the opening portions of a free, 90-minute seminar that I could give in cities as the book is launched to help introduce it to the public. (as well as enroll people in future advanced seminars offered for pay)

The drawback with pursuing the first path is that I'm currently a completely unknown commodity to the public. Even though I feel confident in the value of what I have to say, I'd be starting from scratch without the benefit of having created a "brand" as a person of well-known or easily researched accomplishments. To say it more plainly, it would be a heck of a lot easier to put butts in seats and sell my books if I'd already developed a certain level of authentic celebrity. There would be hard work involved either way but there's nothing wrong with having as many factors as possible in your favor when you attempt something big.

The second broad wisdom path says, "Find out what the market wants, crunch the numbers, and then choose the opportunity with the best bottom line." Jim Rohn would say something like: Don't worry so much about discovering your passion; find a great opportunity and then pour your own passion into it. When I crunch the numbers, it is obvious that the field of wealth management offers me the greatest upside potential for financial success given my marketable skills. While it is true that I'd be starting as an unknown commodity in this field as well, the rewards of doing well over time dwarf the rewards I could reasonably expect from a speaking career or even starting up a new tech company. My close friends could also attest to my skills in the stock market, so I feel some confidence in my abilities here. I'd have a lot of growing to do to sell and market my services successfully, but I view that as a growth opportunity, not a problem. And I'd need to develop these skills for the motivational speaking career anyway.

It's by no means a done deal, but the second wisdom path looks more and more attractive to me. Assuming I created a wealth management practice and did well with it, I could use that track record later as the marketing springboard for the motivational speaking/writing career. Although this seems to be common sense, I have an innate sense of aversion to anything that looks like putting a dream on hold for a mythical "someday" when one is finally ready to get started on it. So I'm still percolating on these things. Maybe this time around the lesson will be to overcome that aversion and go with the practical path for a change. No matter which one I choose, I intend to devote my sole focus to that choice for at least the next decade or longer. This is why I'm sitting with the question for now... The outcome of this process will mean saying "No" to something I'm very interested in pursuing, whichever choice wins out. And (simply as an acknowledgement of my lack of omniscience) until I decide, I am open to discovering an even better path than the ones I'm currently considering.

I don't intend to take long to decide. Springtime doesn't last forever. One is better served by planting seeds and getting some crop than by staring at the field for too long wondering which crop would be best.

That Was Easy

Last night I installed the latest version of Ubuntu Linux (9.10) on my main PC. Went off without a hitch. I was able to quickly get up-to-speed with the app (called a package manager) that lets you find and install other programs. This is a more impressive job by Ubuntu than it sounds, because I installed the "server" version of the OS that doesn't come with a graphical user interface by default. Finding the window manager I wanted and getting it up and running quickly (with all dependencies and a sensible set of default graphical programs) "just worked". This is something that couldn't be said of many Linux experiences of years gone by. Sound didn't work right away for me, but hey - you've almost got to have some kind of glitch or it wouldn't feel like a genuine Linux experience! It was a known issue with an easy fix.

Since I've been vegging out with Windows 7 at home for just about a year now, (though I used Linux at work) it was fun to observe my brain zoom back up to speed with the UNIX command line mojo I've developed over the years. Like riding a bicycle - it all came rushing back. On a philosophical note, I, by far, prefer a system that does everything via command-line processing with GUI sugar added on (like Linux) to a system that starts with a GUI and then tries to expose some of its functionality via command line later. (like Windows and the old Mac OS) This makes it possible to easily create scripts that do useful things - easy to make a system run the way I want it to rather than the way its creator wants me to: Legos versus a jigsaw puzzle.

I've already installed the latest versions of several programming languages. Among these are the usual suspects like c++, Java, and Python. But I did a little digging and installed Google's new language, "go!", as well. I figure any language co-created by a guy who helped birth UNIX (as well as the obscure "Plan9" OS - the name was inspired by the title of a cult sci-fi movie) has got to have something going for it. Well, more seriously, go! is interesting to me for two reasons: it exposes multiprocessing in the language itself, and it is the first new well-backed "systems" language (you can build low-level servers with it) in decades. This latter point makes me happy because it is a pie the face of snobby academia elites who decry, "We don't need any more computer languages! It couldn't possibly bring anything new to the table!"

So yeah - geekin' out, coding, trying out riffs of ideas that have been rolling around in the back of my mind for a while.

Locking In the Gains of 1H 2009

I sold all of my stock holdings this week since my instincts tell me the market has decided to take a breather. The major indexes were down more that one percent two days in a row recently. (although on tame volume) The market has had a nice run up since mid-March, it's about time for it to digest its gains.

Here's how I did in this period: Shanda Interactive (SNDA) +24%, Net Ease (NTES) +34%, Chanyou (CYOU) +72%. (you read that right, seventy-two percent)

I'm half tempted to dig into my savings, fire my employer, and strike out on my own to seek fame and fortune. But I've gained just enough maturity to realize this would be a reaction based on the hubris of my recent market success. That success is about five percent due to my brains, ten percent due to my bravery in the shadow of difficult economic times, and eighty-five percent due to the fact that a rising tide raises all boats. The key was to get into the market when I did and let it do the magic it does when it is in an upswing. The brains part was noticing that Asian gaming stocks were some of the darlings of the spring rally.

Hubris-avoidance aside, I'm enjoying my day job. I look forward to the process of developing the online game that my team is creating. I intend to achieve the kind of satisfaction that only comes from collaborating with others to accomplish a challenging goal. It is not without relevance that the salary I'm drawing will help me save up additional capital so that I'm better prepared for my eventual - inevitable - enterpreneurial siezure. (as Michael Gerber calls it in his famous "E-Myth" books

Journey Within: Wilderness Getaway 2008

Five years ago, I went on a week-long trip to Hawaii and took the journals I had written with me. (five years' worth) I spent my days reading my life like a book, noticing tendencies about myself, and distilling the insights into a foundation for intentional growth that propelled me in in a very positive direction.  18 months after that trip, it was hard to recognize me as the same guy in the areas of self-worth, ambition, and tolerance.  For example, I no longer approached dating out of fear of loneliness or a position of need.  My deeply felt position had become, "I am loveable, and I generously share my loveableness with others."  The results in my life were dramatic, from income to relationships to my sense of purpose and beyond.

I now have five more years of journals in my library.  I decided at the beginning of this week to get away for eight days, starting Sunday Sept. 28, and repeat this process. This time I'm renting a remote cabin in the mountains of West Virginia.  No Internet, no cell phone reception.  Just what doctor ordered.

Back in 1992, I heard Jim Rohn talk about journaling.  He said, "Too many people try to just get through the day.  I've got something better for you to go for: learn to get from the day. Capture the insights and ideas.  Don't trust your memory."  I can be a bit slow on the uptake (as can we all) so I didn't formally start keeping a journal until 1998.  In fact, my first journal entry went something like this: "I probably won't keep this up, but here's what happened today..."  I've since learned not to dismiss a day of small beginnings in my life.  Starting journaling earlier would definitely be one of those things I would counsel my younger self to.

My dearly beloved friends and family think this trip is about my next career step, and to be fair, that's how I've presented it to them.  But quite beyond that, I foresee it as a launch pad for areas of personal growth I can't even imagine as I write this.  Wiping the white board clean and starting fresh with a clean set of markers.

You Are Always Doing Your Best

Consider the propositon that you always do your best. As in, "all the time" always. You never do not do your best.

Notice the arguments that are coming up in your mind about this. You are thinking of times when you feel you could have done better. Or perhaps when you counted on someone else and you feel that they let you down. You're doing a great job of doing your best to prove this idea wrong!

I believe the truth is we don't know how to do any differently than our best. For example, even if you consciously decide to hold back from doing something as well as you believe you could do it, you are now doing your best to hold back. In this case, the focus has shifted from the doing of the activity to the regulation of your energy and talent. But you still do your best. If you have a deadline to meet but you feel like procrastinating, your mind will come up with all kinds of creative solutions to help you with your replacement goal of avoiding the work that needs to get done. You see, to look at the results of the work at the deadline is to miss the real issue, that you decided to focus your time and energy on something else.

If all this were true, what practical application would it have? Well, I can think of two that seem promising: first, it is futile to beat yourself up over so-called failures or mistakes. "I should have said ..." "I should have done ..." Nonsense. If you had thought of it, you would have said it or done it. Or else, you avoided remembering to say or do it for very good reasons that are possibly only known to your unconscious mind at present. Or even, you had reached a limit physically, mentally, or emotionally and decided to proceed anyway. But you did your best.

Second, understanding this concept gives you the opportunity to learn things you would never imagine about yourself when you tune out, mail it in, let it slide, etc. Where is it that you are, mentally, when you are not doing what you said you would do? Were you generating mental chatter? Dreaming of an aspect of life as you wish it were? Mulling over a grudge or a percieved injustice? You know, we get so good at hiding from others the fact that we do these things that we begin believing we don't do them ourselves. Nietzsche put it well, "'I did it,' says the memory. 'I could not have done it,' says the pride. Eventually, memory gives in." But these things are clues, valuable clues, to help each of us embrace afresh his or her unique brand of humanity.

After a few months of trying out this way of thinking I felt the muse agitating within and wrote this poem, "There Are No Mistakes"

There's no such thing as a mistake
Mistakes are an illusion
We always do the best we can
In spite of our confusion

Progress on the path of life
Slows when you care 'bout image
If there's no book on what you love
Just scribble down a new page!